Goal Reached – Life Transformed

Goal Reached – Life Transformed

It has been awhile since I posted on this blog. Unlike the times before, it isn’t because I fell off the wagon, or my weight loss slowed down (though it has) or because I felt guilty, etc. etc. It is simply because I haven’t needed this avenue to vent or log.

I want to bring this blog to a close. It doesn’t mean I wont come back to it one day, but it definitely needs a sense of closure. Every now and again I come here to read my first post. Every now and again I need to see how far I have come.

What I once thought was an inspirational introductory post about how I was done with how I was living my life, how I was going to transform my life, lose the weight- well it is sad to me. I know how I truly felt writing each sentence. I was broken. I was defeated. I didn’t think I could do it. I was spending my evenings crying, weighing myself each week with fear that the number wouldn’t move. I had pictures taken of me and each time I wanted to throw the phone across the room and bury it.

This was what I would have described back then as the happiest time of my life. I had found the love of my life. I was in love, I had my passion for my hobbies again, I had my loving family around me, I was expecting a new niece or nephew soon. It was an amazing time!

I look back and think…really? I thought that was the happiest I ever had been and ever would be? I don’t want to be negative about my life back then, I really don’t. If I don’t , however, I wont truly acknowledge how much more amazing my life is today and it honestly has nothing to do with my weight… and everything to do with it at the same time.

Let me paint a different picture of myself back when I started this blog. I was 272.5 lbs heavy at 5’7″. I had no friends, other than those I met online and gamed with, because I was too embarrassed to go out and try to meet people. When my fiance wanted to do things I had to make sure my weight would allow for it. I am not talking about the time he wanted to go indoor sky-diving and I was 50 lbs too heavy for it. I am talking about the time we needed camping chairs and could not find one that could hold over 220 lbs of weight.

My back hurt. My knees hurt. My ankles hurt. My stomach hurt. I was constantly in pain when it came to my stomach. It had become such a constant that it was the norm, and I thought truly nothing of it. My energy was a joke and my endurance was small. The first few weeks of my new journey left me with throbbing feet at the end of each day.

I was lonely. I mentioned this earlier, but it needs its own focus. I had my boyfriend, my sisters, my parents and that was all. Clothing never fit me right and I never wanted to shop for it because I was embarrassed. I would secretly eat whenever I was alone.

I also lived in fear. Fear I would always be obese, that it would just get worse the way I was going. Fear that I would be huge on my wedding day and never want to see my wedding pictures again. Fear that my children would be overweight and unhealthy because I would not be able to model healthy habits for them.

That was the state I was in. I repeat that in my eyes I thought I was the happiest I ever could be and ever had been.

I am writing this today because officially I have lost 104 pounds. I have surpassed my goal of 100 lbs and yet I am not done. Now that I reached that goal that seemed utterly impossible I would like to go even further. How about 23 lbs more?

My life is transformed. It isn’t just my weight that has changed since that dreary day last year. While I stand quite stronger today, with an air of confidence I never could have adopted back then, I am moved near tears comparing how truly amazing my life has become.

Losing the weight was probably the hardest challenge and journey I have ever followed. It is officially the longest I have stuck to eating healthy and embracing exercise. There were points where I wanted to give up, where I thought I HAD given up, where I had to drag myself back up and start again. There were points where the scale refused to move and I was tempted nearly beyond my will power to say ‘Screw this! I am finished!’. It was all worth it.

My physical health has never been better. I can run. I can jump. Walking, hiking, standing on my feet all day, it isn’t a chore. My back is straight, my pain in my knees and ankles are just some distant memory. The random pains I used to endure have disappeared. My stomach issues have vanished (along with the desire to eat what caused them).

My stomach has shrunk, both visibly and beneath the skin. My breasts are not so heavy that I am near tears at work because of the pain. I have clear, smooth skin.

My life is unrecognizable. I have friends each way I turn, all due to the confidence that this journey has gained me. I put myself out there, I met people, I connected. I built relationships. This journey brought me my best friends in the entire world. It makes me want to cry to think that I could have missed out on connecting with these people. I discovered I am a social person. All my life I was told I was shy, that I was an introvert, that I just wasn’t the type of person that needed a huge group of friends. I was convinced and I accepted it. It isn’t true!! I can’t imagine going back to just my fiance and my family. I need friends, I need a social life, I can BREATHE now. And just a note to the woman who helped me realize all this: Andrea, you are one of the most amazing women I have ever met in my life. Thank you.

A good portion of my life is dedicated to what I put in my body. I used to think that I was a good cook because I slathered butter and oil and all the heavy stuff that makes you go ‘Oooh, why did I eat that?’ afterward. No. I am a good cook today. I know how to make flavor without a tub of fat. I rejoice in making a meal that I know is not only delicious but healthy for me and my loved ones. I don’t eat out anymore. I haven’t been to a fast food joint in most likely half a year.

My life is full of life for the first time ever.

In four months I am going to marry the most amazing man I have ever known. We are going to start a new life together in a house that he has built single-handedly. We spend our evenings painting cabinets, sweeping sawdust and laughing about the best plans made as we speculate about our future.

In four months I am going to be standing in a room surrounded by people I love, as my best friend in the world buttons up my dress of ivory. I am going to be laughing at how silly all my frantic worrying has been while sipping on champagne.

Today I am 168 lbs. And every frustration, every stumble, every sprained ankle has been worth it, to reach where I am today. Weight hasn’t been everything. I see now that I shouldn’t have let my weight prevent me from so many of the things that make my life amazing now… but I am so grateful that losing the weight allowed me to embrace them.

I am so grateful to many people. To Patrick, for all his support and love, no matter how I looked. To my mother for helping me anytime I felt like quitting, assuring me that it was all worth it. To my older sister who was there to cheer me on when I reached every goal. To my best friend who constantly pulls me up and gives me a shake anytime I am being silly. To each and every person who has ever listened to my obsessive ramblings about this journey. Without any of you, I might not have been as successful as I have been.

I don’t know if I will be returning to this blog. I would like to think that when I hit 127 lbs lost I will pop in, but I am not sure.

Reaching my goal has been more overwhelming than I thought I could describe. I hope I did it accurately.

Love,

Meredith

 

 

 

 

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Back And Better Than Ever

Back And Better Than Ever

Well, not ever. Because the truth is, I hit 94 lbs lost a little over a week ago, and then I let everything unravel for the last ten days and I have no idea how much I weigh now. It WAS 178. I was in the 70s!!

I needed a kick in the butt again. My best friend shook me yesterday when she told me “YOU are going to charge your fitbit and I am going to start running in the mornings. I don’t care if you don’t like the fitbit anymore. We are going to challenge each other and we are going to get healthy. This is happening. ”

…Okay.

She needs me chasing down her butt. The truth is, I need it too. See, I am struggling. I have reached a weight that I don’t absolutely hate. A weight I never dreamed I would be at… and I have become complacent in it.

I don’t love this body, I just don’t despise it. I can pull off some pretty cute outfits now. My pictures don’t make me balk… okay plenty still do, but I am getting there.

I just don’t have the same drive to lose the weight that I had at 272. Even with the wedding growing ever closer (AAAAAH).

SO, Andrea, I accept your challenge. Lets do this. I need to get back on track. I want to love my body on my wedding day. I want to love my face. So… lets do it girl.

My Stretch Marks Are My Battle Scars

My Stretch Marks Are My Battle Scars

My stretch marks are numerous.

I remember the first time I noticed them, when I was around ten, and I had no idea what that little purple scar was or where it came from. By the time I was 18 I was so familiar with them that I didn’t even blink when a new one would appear. I watched my stomach and arms get painted by the wounds I inflicted with every binge fest I “enjoyed”.

There were times they bothered me, but I just told myself there was nothing I could do. I tried losing the weight, tried every diet under the sun. I faltered, I fell and I gave up.  At times I would promise myself the weight would be lost one day, another failing just meant I would try again another time. Other times I would cry out that it was impossible! There was no way I would lose the weight!

Pain followed those marring marks. Pain in my back, pain in my knees. An ache in an ankle I lied and attributed with bad shoes combined with past injury. Belly aches from the food my body didn’t want to process, migraines from the sugar addictions.

Exhaustion mingled with the pain… and the scars… and depression followed.

Don’t ask me how I woke up amidst what I thought was a losing war. Don’t try and find the key that finally lifted me high enough to rally my strength. I don’t know how I began to gain the ground back. I don’t know why this time it worked. It just did. I woke up. I gathered my strength. I fought and I fought hard. I cried from the pain, I stumbled and took hits, but I kept getting back up. I continue to get back up.

Perhaps it was my fellow warriors, fighting beside me against their own demons, that helped rally me. Or perhaps it was my armor, built up of my family, my support system. Maybe it was the long lost promises I had made to my child self.

I am fighting in a war against an image of myself I accepted long ago. Some battles I win, some battles I don’t, but I keep getting back up. The fat is losing. It melts off me as I work on making myself healthy instead of skinny. I am gaining ground. I will win.

And those stretch marks? Those horrifying, marring streaks across my skin? They are beautiful. As each one shrivels to a white lightning strike, I rejoice. These are my pride, my evidence of my labor.

My stretch marks are my battle scars and they are beautiful. 

 

31 Days ’till Onederland

31 Days ’till Onederland

But no pressure, Meredith.

I know I shouldn’t set such a strict goal so close, but back when I started I figured I could reach Onederland by New Years. Then, as my weight loss sped forward, I realized that by losing at least 2 lbs every week I would reach it by December 2nd. I have stuck to that pretty well, and I am on the right track for it.

A little summation of this weekend, I did AWFUL when it came to what I put in my body, but my defense is- well, it isn’t a defense… It was my birthday! On Friday we went out for it. I feel like I did relatively well for my birthday dinner… but then it was Saturday and there was a baby shower. No biggie, I will eat a salad right? Oh, the salad is either a chopped lettuce mixed with hundreds of pieces of corn or drenched in Parmesan and fatty dressing? Okay, I will eat a slice of pizza… Then,  Saturday evening, we go to a halloween party. My friend made me birthday cupcakes?? That is so sweet! I can’t not have one, right? And the only food is potato skins, bagel bites, chips, etc? I was starving, so of course I ate badly. Then Sunday rolls around, we go out and get chicken fajitas, I eat relatively well (if not a lot of sodium, but that isn’t horrible for you, just makes you retain water). When we get home the cravings for chocolate hit. Well, usually I wouldn’t have chocolate, but I have a surplus of caramel apples I made for the parties that no one took. Soooo, we each eat an apple.

Ohmahgawd I am amazing at making candy. Not to toot my own horn, but YUM.

Soooo… I will probably have gained a pound this week. BUT, I wont be upset about that, I lost 6 pounds last week and that is way too fast to lose 6 pounds. If I gain a pound I will know it is just temporary, that pound will go away. My body is readjusting, blah blah blah.

Back to the Onederland, even if I weigh 207 lbs by this Friday I will still be on track. The one big risk factor here is Thanksgiving. I have to make a battle plan for this holiday as it is (as most people know) one of the two hardest holidays to survive diet wise. I am supposed to weigh 201 lbs the next day and I don’t want to weigh anything else but those 201 lbs. As far as I know, that is 5 lbs away.

I could always weigh myself Thanksgiving morning and not on Friday, but there wont be accountability. I think I am going to plan on having my morning shake, no snacks (maybe carrots and celery?) and I might even be doing some cooking myself so that I can avoid the main temptations. Mine are the stuffing, the mashed potatoes and the green bean casserole.

Since we are 31 days away, I would like to challenge myself. Lets see if I can reach a 30 day streak of walking, blogging, etc.

OH! And my parents gifted me 6 months at the gym for my Birthday, so I need to begin going to the gym as well. I was thinking about starting that this week, but it looks like next week might be better.

 

 

Much Better Updates

Much Better Updates

So last week my update was rather morose. I was having a pretty dark day, I was really depressed by the number on the scale (which shouldn’t matter, I know!). I just wasn’t seeing the scale move.

That night I decided I was going to double down this week. One, I was going to start jogging. I started that night. OMG it was horrible! BUT- I did it!! I decided that I was going to cut back on the tuna and crackers for lunch every day. It was in my calorie range and it is a relatively healthy protein (with a little bit of mayo), but I needed to switch it up for my body. I started having only salad for lunch and dinner. I made sure to still eat the same calorie range and I added a TON of veggies to my diet.

I also weighed myself every day, which honestly I enjoyed far more than waiting an entire week. It made me feel motivated and the scale was actually moving down!

Well, guess what? I lost SIX freaking pounds this week. So my weight stall is over I suppose! My jaw kind of dropped to the floor when I was able to log this weight in. And weighing myself everyday, I knew that it was not a flux of weight loss. I think that, honestly, I had hit some sort of bar. My body was saying “Hey..uhm…no, we don’t want to let go.” and when I doubled down it was like “F-I-I-Iiiine!” and let it go all at once!

In other news, I had to find a shirt for the baby shower tomorrow and I REALLY struggled. Like, I had a hard time finding ANYTHING that I liked. Why? Because I am suddenly in between. See, Avenue, Torrid, Lane Bryant, they are designed for bigger women. I am a bigger woman, right? At least I am “supposedly” in their size range, but nothing fits tight enough anymore. However, going to other stores, I am still too big for their stuff. So I am stuck inbetween.

I ended up getting a shirt and a sweater from Avenue. They aren’t tight, but I think they look nice. They will probably be too big by the time new years hits, but I will get over it.

It is a GOOD problem, I am well aware 🙂

 

OH, and tomorrow is my birthday! I am excited to say that we will be checking out our wedding venue tonight for my birthday dinner. It will definitely be fun.

Need Motivation

Need Motivation

Or Encouragement.

Or Support, really.

I haven’t lost anything this week. Not really. I can now round to 60 lbs gone, so I guess… there is that.

I am 13 lbs from Onederland. So I guess there is that too.

I weigh 212 lbs. And I should weigh less. Like, 2 lbs less.

I am so disappointed.

There is really not much more to say.