It has been awhile since I posted on this blog. Unlike the times before, it isn’t because I fell off the wagon, or my weight loss slowed down (though it has) or because I felt guilty, etc. etc. It is simply because I haven’t needed this avenue to vent or log.
I want to bring this blog to a close. It doesn’t mean I wont come back to it one day, but it definitely needs a sense of closure. Every now and again I come here to read my first post. Every now and again I need to see how far I have come.
What I once thought was an inspirational introductory post about how I was done with how I was living my life, how I was going to transform my life, lose the weight- well it is sad to me. I know how I truly felt writing each sentence. I was broken. I was defeated. I didn’t think I could do it. I was spending my evenings crying, weighing myself each week with fear that the number wouldn’t move. I had pictures taken of me and each time I wanted to throw the phone across the room and bury it.
This was what I would have described back then as the happiest time of my life. I had found the love of my life. I was in love, I had my passion for my hobbies again, I had my loving family around me, I was expecting a new niece or nephew soon. It was an amazing time!
I look back and think…really? I thought that was the happiest I ever had been and ever would be? I don’t want to be negative about my life back then, I really don’t. If I don’t , however, I wont truly acknowledge how much more amazing my life is today and it honestly has nothing to do with my weight… and everything to do with it at the same time.
Let me paint a different picture of myself back when I started this blog. I was 272.5 lbs heavy at 5’7″. I had no friends, other than those I met online and gamed with, because I was too embarrassed to go out and try to meet people. When my fiance wanted to do things I had to make sure my weight would allow for it. I am not talking about the time he wanted to go indoor sky-diving and I was 50 lbs too heavy for it. I am talking about the time we needed camping chairs and could not find one that could hold over 220 lbs of weight.
My back hurt. My knees hurt. My ankles hurt. My stomach hurt. I was constantly in pain when it came to my stomach. It had become such a constant that it was the norm, and I thought truly nothing of it. My energy was a joke and my endurance was small. The first few weeks of my new journey left me with throbbing feet at the end of each day.
I was lonely. I mentioned this earlier, but it needs its own focus. I had my boyfriend, my sisters, my parents and that was all. Clothing never fit me right and I never wanted to shop for it because I was embarrassed. I would secretly eat whenever I was alone.
I also lived in fear. Fear I would always be obese, that it would just get worse the way I was going. Fear that I would be huge on my wedding day and never want to see my wedding pictures again. Fear that my children would be overweight and unhealthy because I would not be able to model healthy habits for them.
That was the state I was in. I repeat that in my eyes I thought I was the happiest I ever could be and ever had been.
I am writing this today because officially I have lost 104 pounds. I have surpassed my goal of 100 lbs and yet I am not done. Now that I reached that goal that seemed utterly impossible I would like to go even further. How about 23 lbs more?
My life is transformed. It isn’t just my weight that has changed since that dreary day last year. While I stand quite stronger today, with an air of confidence I never could have adopted back then, I am moved near tears comparing how truly amazing my life has become.
Losing the weight was probably the hardest challenge and journey I have ever followed. It is officially the longest I have stuck to eating healthy and embracing exercise. There were points where I wanted to give up, where I thought I HAD given up, where I had to drag myself back up and start again. There were points where the scale refused to move and I was tempted nearly beyond my will power to say ‘Screw this! I am finished!’. It was all worth it.
My physical health has never been better. I can run. I can jump. Walking, hiking, standing on my feet all day, it isn’t a chore. My back is straight, my pain in my knees and ankles are just some distant memory. The random pains I used to endure have disappeared. My stomach issues have vanished (along with the desire to eat what caused them).
My stomach has shrunk, both visibly and beneath the skin. My breasts are not so heavy that I am near tears at work because of the pain. I have clear, smooth skin.
My life is unrecognizable. I have friends each way I turn, all due to the confidence that this journey has gained me. I put myself out there, I met people, I connected. I built relationships. This journey brought me my best friends in the entire world. It makes me want to cry to think that I could have missed out on connecting with these people. I discovered I am a social person. All my life I was told I was shy, that I was an introvert, that I just wasn’t the type of person that needed a huge group of friends. I was convinced and I accepted it. It isn’t true!! I can’t imagine going back to just my fiance and my family. I need friends, I need a social life, I can BREATHE now. And just a note to the woman who helped me realize all this: Andrea, you are one of the most amazing women I have ever met in my life. Thank you.
A good portion of my life is dedicated to what I put in my body. I used to think that I was a good cook because I slathered butter and oil and all the heavy stuff that makes you go ‘Oooh, why did I eat that?’ afterward. No. I am a good cook today. I know how to make flavor without a tub of fat. I rejoice in making a meal that I know is not only delicious but healthy for me and my loved ones. I don’t eat out anymore. I haven’t been to a fast food joint in most likely half a year.
My life is full of life for the first time ever.
In four months I am going to marry the most amazing man I have ever known. We are going to start a new life together in a house that he has built single-handedly. We spend our evenings painting cabinets, sweeping sawdust and laughing about the best plans made as we speculate about our future.
In four months I am going to be standing in a room surrounded by people I love, as my best friend in the world buttons up my dress of ivory. I am going to be laughing at how silly all my frantic worrying has been while sipping on champagne.
Today I am 168 lbs. And every frustration, every stumble, every sprained ankle has been worth it, to reach where I am today. Weight hasn’t been everything. I see now that I shouldn’t have let my weight prevent me from so many of the things that make my life amazing now… but I am so grateful that losing the weight allowed me to embrace them.
I am so grateful to many people. To Patrick, for all his support and love, no matter how I looked. To my mother for helping me anytime I felt like quitting, assuring me that it was all worth it. To my older sister who was there to cheer me on when I reached every goal. To my best friend who constantly pulls me up and gives me a shake anytime I am being silly. To each and every person who has ever listened to my obsessive ramblings about this journey. Without any of you, I might not have been as successful as I have been.
I don’t know if I will be returning to this blog. I would like to think that when I hit 127 lbs lost I will pop in, but I am not sure.
Reaching my goal has been more overwhelming than I thought I could describe. I hope I did it accurately.