I have always loved to dance. It doesn’t matter if I am driving, being driven, in my room alone, at a grocery store, walking with Patrick or what… if I hear a good beat I will jiggle about like a fool.
For all that said, I have never liked dancing in front of a mirror. I hate my body, after all, and my face looks baby-ish, and my eyes small, and, and, and-!
Well yesterday I was getting ready for my walk and put on my new favorite Spotify playlist (don’t ask, my fav. changes every other day because I love variety!). I was doing my ballet bun up (also a new obsession) in front of the mirror when a particularly good beat hit and I began to dance.
This wasn’t just a bit of bouncing to the beat, my arms were going, my hips were swaying, my body was twisting and after only a second I was grinning at my reflection. I didn’t look bad, not at all. With my ballet bun, my over-sized shirt (yup, my workout clothes are TOO BIG now, hehe!) and my leggings, I had to admit, I looked adorable. Have I ever thought that about myself? Not really, no. It hit me about halfway through the second song what I was doing and I stopped… than laughed. I was dancing with my reflection and didn’t want to sob after it.
This, honestly, is just one example of the many situations where I have realized that more is changing about me than just my weight. I am happier and more confident! I haven’t walked past a person in public and wondered how much they judge me. I don’t cringe at my shadow. When people pass me (car or on foot) during my walks, I don’t hang my head and wonder if they are thinking ‘Why is the fat-ass even trying?’. Seriously, I was my own worst enemy!
There are still times when I falter. My reflection isn’t perfect. I am still obese and hardly confident of my naked body, yet I feel better. Even when I don’t get enough sleep, I have more energy. I feel like dancing even more! My imagination as a writer has flourished with my joy! And my anxiety has dwindled down greatly.
A few more updates:
Last time I was talking about my issues with my landlords. Well, they texted me yesterday to say they were probably taking the house off the market. They haven’t gotten any offers save for a very low one (It has been a week and a half?) and they wont lower the price. So, they want to know if I will stay or not?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hahahahahahaha! Hahaha! Ha…haha…ha…heh…hehe… No.
Look, if you had treated me kindly and with respect… and if you hadn’t secretly been showing my house while I was at work (yes, I know you have, I don’t leave lights on, leave my door unlocked and I definitely don’t leave my cats without my ceiling fan on during the hot Texas days) , maybe I would consider it. At this point, though, this was really the final straw. I have quietly dealt with you breaking the law, blocking me in the driveway, waking me up at 7 am on Saturdays and Sundays, following your ridiculous rules… and this was it! Buh bye! I will be gone in a month, maybe two, but I wont be sticking around for your next mood swing!
Anyways, moving on. I miss Jane! My intern is gone and my heart is broken! She wrote me a lovely note that made me want to cry. I hugged her so hard I was sure I would break her in half. We both agree that she will HAVE to return and stay at my house with her boyfriend, several times. I also plan on visiting her as she only lives two hours away. Patrick has family in that city, so maybe we can go sooner than later. We were talking about taking a staycation, but two cities over is really not that far, maybe we could go there instead!
I would really like to lose 3 pounds by next week, I want to hit the 35 mark. Can I do this? Well… I am really not sure. It fluctuates and my average is 2 pounds. I don’t know what more I can do to speed up the process, and honestly, the way I am going is healthy. I don’t want to be unhealthy. There is not much more I can cut out of my diet. I have been eating a whole lot less cheese, and my fruit is cut-back as well. My veggies have been upped (sooo, my cat Oliver likes broccoli even more than me) and I am walking 5 miles a day. I am still drinking gallons of water too! I guess this really is just a waiting game. As Patrick says “Mer, just have patience!”.
In other news, two of my close friends who have been crazy busy with girlfriends and jobs have contacted me in the last week. I keep missing them when I call, so it was nice to reconnect!