Surprisingly Swift Updates!

Surprisingly Swift Updates!

Well, I said in my last post that I wouldn’t weigh myself until next week, but let me tell you. After yesterday, I couldn’t fall asleep. I laid in bed with layer after layer of thoughts (does anyone else do this?), worries, panic, anxiety. (I will explain in a minute). Well, I realized I needed to use one of the lessons from WM. I might as well give it a try, right? What was the harm? I live alone, so me talking out loud wouldn’t be weird…

Before I even started to speak, I realized that there was one thing that I DID have control over 100%. That was my diet. Yeah, I ate bad on vacation, and I was letting this thought create an anxiety. That I had RUINED my progress. That I had taken a step backwards. That I would have to fight all week this week and next to fix it! I realized that, I might as well just weigh myself, see where I was and make a game plan. Once I had a game plan, I wouldn’t worry as much, right?

Guys… I didn’t gain any weight!

I didn’t lose any weight either, but I also didn’t gain! I was jumping up and down when I saw that. It made me be able to lay down and really dig into my issues, with at least one just…disappeared.

On to the stress and anxiety filling me.

Work is horrible.

My boss has decided to let go one of my coworker’s. He has informed me I will be doing her work as well. I feel so overwhelmed. So sad. I feel like I failed her. It was really upsetting. I just lay in bed and asked “Why?” because, honestly? I hate my job. I have been miserable before at a job, but I HATE this job. For 858 days  I have been at this job. And it sucks.

First, I had to deal with my old boss. She was a bitch. Plain and simple. She cut me down, made me sob, made me think I was stupid. My confidence was destroyed. Then I had to deal with being moved around because NO ONE had anything for me to do! I would ask and be brushed off, get in trouble for doing nothing, then be told to figure it out. Then I started getting into a routine. I busted my butt, changed a few systems… and then things started spiraling. My boss quit. I took her position (from the bottom to the middle, huh?). And ever since the stress just comes in waves. The owner is horrible. He upsets his customers. He upsets his employees. He upsets ME. He has made me cry. He has made me yell. He has made me break!

He doubles my work every other week. He seems to be under the impression that, HEY, why pay THIS employee when Mere could just triple her workload?

I feel like it is time to find a new job, but at the same time, I worked my ASS off this year… shouldn’t that pay off? Shouldn’t there be a light at the end of the tunnel here?

Anyways, gotta go… but I just… yeah… ugh…

Let the Planning COMMENCE!

Let the Planning COMMENCE!


Hell yeah, he proposed! I have a shiny, beautiful ring on my finger, Patrick is officially my fiance and I have been asked exactly 34 times what the date of the wedding will be.

Did I mention he only proposed on Thursday night? I mean, c’mon people… I don’t know! I have barely wrapped my head around the fact that he is now my fiance, not my boyfriend…and you are asking me when we will marry?

I am so overjoyed by this, of course. I mean, I have wanted to be engaged for awhile. I was just so… overwhelmed. I have been staring at my ring like a fool for six days.

I told Patrick that I was so excited, but that I had a list of things I would like us to do before we say “I Do”. I admitted that, while I don’t want to overwhelm him, these things were really important to me.

  1.  I want us to join Financial Peace and take the however-many-weeks course. We already decided his money and my money will become ‘our’ money. He also seems to be under the impression that I will be balancing bills, etc. Since he has trouble balancing everything in his head and I am a little more list/task oriented. I kind of paused, contemplated, then said “Let’s take the classes, then figure out how we will divide those tasks.” because I honestly.don’t. know. if that is the best for us. I am willing, I mean, I have more bills than him and I handle mine fine, but combining is of course worrying.
  2. I want us to start going to Church and to join a church. This one is really important to me. I have been wanting to join a certain church for awhile, but it just seems like the devil is whispering in my head that, since I have been gone for so long, I don’t deserve to go to Church (I do!). That people would question why I was there (they wouldn’t!). Plus, my social anxiety is blaring that being surrounded by people I don’t know is too scary. Despite all that, I KNOW my parents’ and his parents’ marriages are so strong because of their faith. And I would love a social group of people who don’t mock me for my beliefs.
  3. I would like us to join a Life Group. This one is down the line, but it goes with #2. I would like us to surround ourselves with believers and to study the bible.
  4. I would like us to go to pre-marriage counseling. We don’t have any problems. At. All. Seriously, it is almost weird when I look back. The only two I could find have to mainly do with ME, haha. I am a talker, Patrick isn’t. If I think something is wrong, I want to dig it out into the open until its hashed out. Patrick HATES doing that. He would rather just let it go. So, I really would like us to improve how we communicate.

So, anyways. There are those things. Obviously I put a lot of thought into each one. Patrick was willing and happy for all of them, except the Life Group. He is not good in brand new social settings, I suppose. I think it would be good for us, but I would never force him. Of all four, that is the one I would be most willing to throw out or put on the back burner.

I have to get back on my diet. I ate HORRIBLY on my vacation. I had the best intentions, but by the third day it was like, F this. I am eating! So, I know I am bloated and have probably gained weight. Because of this, I wont be weighing myself until next week. (October 7th). According to my goals, I should be at 215 lbs. Seeing as I kind of weighed myself mid-day yesterday and I was closer to 222, we will see. (Is there REALLY any way I gained 5 lbs in 6 days??).

I have decided that I am going to go buy myself a nice pair of tennis shoes. I don’t know when. I was thinking today, but I have Women’s Ministry. So tomorrow? Nope, dinner with Patrick’s family to celebrate. So Friday? Probably note, my mom’s birthday is today.

Oh, and side note, Patrick’s mother seems a whole lot more excited than mine. In my mom’s defense, my step-granddad is in the hospital and my great aunt just broke her femur, my little sister’s show choir is blowing up… but c’mon! Gosh, the middle child shtick is getting old. I am ready for a little bit of attention. My family didn’t even suggest a celebration dinner. Meanwhile, I have my future mother-in-law jumping up and down, claiming she got some champagne and that she wants to hear about the wedding EVERY DAY!

Maybe I should make a group for her, my mom and my sisters on groupme?

Wait! Back to tennis shoes!

So I should go into town and get some tennis shoes, a sport’s bra and some new work-out clothes (that always spurred me to start walking again). I also have decided I will be getting myself contacts for my birthday/celebration of 55 lbs lost. (wish I had my planner in front of me to figure out all this spending :/) .

My mom and Dad have discussed maybe getting me a gym membership. Uhm, hell yeah! For even a month or two would be great! I am about to be a bride, I need to continue to work my ass off!

And Finally… Patrick called his house ‘our’ house. And my heart melted. He was washing these awfully tacky cups at the beach condo that he had bought (after we broke a glass in my hand the previous night. Yup. Group effort.). He asked me if we wanted to keep them. I laughed (thought he was joking) then reaffirmed ‘No’ (when I realized he wasn’t!). This followed:

Patrick: “But we should start our cup collection.”

Me: “I already HAVE a cup collection. Pretty glasses at that.”

Patrick: “We would keep them as souveniers.”

Me: “I don’t have room for them.” *Note, he lives with his parents and has nowhere to keep them since his house is not done being built, so I am still thinking ‘oh god, these are going into my teeny cabinet aren’t they?’

Patrick: “Our house will have room.”

Me: “Your house will have a ton of cabinet space, but it wont be ready for like four months.” *Obviously I misheard Our!

Patrick: “…OUR house. It is most definitely OUR house now.”

Me: *freezes and just stares at him for a moment before tackle kisses him*


So yeah… and somehow… wait… we ended up taking those ugly cups home! He tricked me!

Lmao. Best. Vacation. Ever.



This Week.

This Week.

And when I say this “week”, I mean since Monday the 12th, seeing as I haven’t gotten one day to myself since. And I know mothers out there will say “Uhm, try that everyday.”

Well, I am not a mom. I haven’t taken that step yet. I am going to complain, haha.

Patrick’s grandmother passed away Wednesday. Which was also my first evening for WM. Then Thursday was a play we had promised we would attend, but I had to squeeze a trip to the city to get an outfit for the funeral. Friday was filled of rapid packing. Saturday we drove several hours away to attend the funeral. Sunday we headed home, only for the car to BREAK DOWN in the middle of nowhere. Monday my Grandfather ended up in the hospital, which meant working while stressed/worried, leaving to visit him, then squeezing in a visit to several stores to try and find stuff for the trip. Yesterday I worked, worried about the trip with my grandfather in the hospital, got confirmation that he is going to be okay (thank the LORD), had my nails and feet done, went shopping for cleaning supplies (was running low), cleaned from top to bottom and every little corner of my house and I packed. I got four hours of sleep people. FOUR . Today is my second evening for WM, followed by a nearly midnight trip to the grocery store.

Did I mention my life has been turned upside down?

I honestly cannot wait for tomorrow and not just because it is a trip… but because I will have a second to BREATHE.

Adulthood is hard.

Did I mention that I lost 4 pounds last week? Well if I didn’t, I will reiterate. 4 pounds. I am now 54 pounds down. It is surreal. I hope I don’t slip up during the vacation! The truth is, I am not going for weight loss while away. I am going for stagnation. Because I am going to be drinking. A lot. I miss alcohol so much. And I want some fried food. Not a lot. I am terrified I will make myself sick (You know, other than the hangovers…).

My plan so far is, light breakfast (I will be making eggs and bacon, eggs and sausage, etc.) . Light lunch (I have sandwich stuff I will pack. I am thinking that really, I just need a small sandwich with a good amount of meat). And for dinner? Well we will be going out every evening. I plan on getting good food. One night fried. One night Cajun. Etc. Etc. And you know what? Fuck guilt. Because I haven’t done this in, well, what feels like forever.

That being said,  I don’t want to lose weight, but I also don’t want to gain. And if that means that when I get back, I do a lot of cardio paired with very strict dieting before Friday- well, my vacation is over Monday evening. So okay. Nothing new.

On some very selfish notes:

Patrick’s mother is an amazing woman who told me I was a part of her family when I was at the funeral. It tugged on my heart strings.

No one has been commenting on my most recent weight loss and gosh damn! I bought two new dresses and looked AMAZING when I wore them in the past two weeks… oh well.

I really feel frustrated over how busy my life is right now, and I know I just need to get over it.

I am also very tired of customers chewing me out for things I cannot control. I am a VERY polite person. I am extremely cheery, and I will do anything I can to remedy an issue. And you are cussing me out because of something the owner did? That is like cussing out the cashier at a fast food place because you don’t like the price. The cashier has NO control over that. Fuck you.

And then to my boss. Can you PLEASE stop pissing people off? Like. Right now. If you wouldn’t mind. God damnit.







Somehow I missed uploading my last update. Probably due to the fact that work has been more than crazy, it has been nuts! I am very tempted to actually create a twitter account just to list off all the crazy things that come out of my boss’ mouth. Then I think, hmm, do I want to pay the consequences if I was ever found out? Nooo…

So not a risk taker :[ .

In the actual news I need to post. Last week I lost 4 lbs. Shocking and exciting. This week I lost 1 lb. And honestly, that has to have been my favorite pound so far to say goodbye to. I am over the moon about losing just one pound this week. You want to know why?


Yessir, yes ma’am! 50 lbs just GONE! I am so excited I could run around screaming it out. I feel absolutely gorgeous!

This means I am officially halfway to the goal I set myself over four months ago!

To gain some perspective of my accomplishment:

  • 112 days. It took me 112 days to lose 50 lbs. That is 17 weeks. Which equals juuuust under 3 lbs a week.
  • I have been on more diets than I can recall, but I know for a fact that I have NEVER lost 50 lbs.
  • I wanted to lose 35 lbs before my vacation, my vacation is in 11 days, I kicked that goals ass!
  • I am 3/4 of the way to Onederland

I have read through nearly every post on my blog and have realized what a journey this truly is. I want to cry.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am someone who let my weight define me. At times I still do… but there was a time where every other thought in my head was “I am fat.” “He/She must think I am disgusting.”  “I wonder if they think less of me because of my weight.” etc. etc. I was always so harsh on myself. Well, apparently doing something about it and succeeding it curing this.

There have been times in my past where I was literally depressed. Diagnosed, medicated… in therapy. I never talked about my weight though. I talked about my family, my friends, my stress… but never about my weight. Now I think, wow… maybe the reason therapy and medication didn’t work for me was because I wasn’t focusing on the right issue. I was always so terrified to blame my weight for my state of mind. It was a taboo subject, one that I was very defensive of. Now, as I get lighter, as I eat healthier, suddenly the studies that claim “Hey, eat right and you will feel happy.” sound legitimate.

Has eating healthy fixed everything? No. I still have OCD Anxiety. I always will. And I will probably always be at risk for depression, seeing as I have had it several times in the past. When I started my diet, I was NOT depressed (just want to make that clear). In fact, since before Patrick and I got together, I have probably been the most happy I have ever been. However, now I am even happier. Something I didn’t think possible.

I also would like to mention that I had several health issues before. Things I tended to try and ignore and pretend didn’t exist.

  • One was my intolerances. I ignored the fact that my body could not digest corn, didn’t really like it when I had more milk than like a tablespoon and reacted unfavorably to overly greasy foods. I never really felt good. My stomach always hurt. It was a part of my routine. I would have stomach cramps and I would just brush them off. Past Mere, that isn’t normal! As I started my new lifestyle, I began to cut things out. Corn was the first step. No more corn, period. This included Corn Syrup, so no more sodas. This was followed by cutting out milk, save for a little half and half in my coffee. My everyday stomach cramps suddenly ceased to exist. Then I cut out jalapenos. Now THAT was hard. I love spicy food… and I seem to still be able to have it, but not jalapenos. Why? Who the hell knows. I was able to cut it out by noticing a pattern. When I stopped eating them, I felt better. So I am not going back.
  • My leg used to have this random,jolting cramp. It hurt. Maybe spasm is a better word. It felt like a lightning bolt down the back of my thigh muscle. Sometimes it would stop instantly, sometimes it would go for a bit. It has only happened once since I started the new lifestyle.
  • My knee hurt. Like … a lot of the time. It was an ache, that literally felt like it was in the bone. I couldn’t stretch it. Rubbing it didn’t help. I have hurt my knees more than once, including falling on them hard on pebbled concrete. I also used to get the same ache when I was a delivery driver (I tuck my leg under my seat when I drive). I thought ‘Okay, this is not weight, this is me having hurt this knee so often’. Well, it doesn’t do it anymore. It is gone.
  • I used to get random pains in my chest (no, not heart pains, I believe they were gas pains). They have stopped.
  • I used to have such bad cramps, I would pass out during my ‘time of the month’. Those have improved.
  • I used to have foot pain every other week. That isn’t happening anymore.
  • One of the BIGGEST issues was my back. Now, this has been happening since I got breasts. My breasts are not small. Have they shrunk since I lost weight? A little, but they are still big proportionally. But , my back doesn’t hurt anymore .I am not near tears by the end of the day. I even forget to take my bra off until I am laying down in my bed. Like, seriously? This is one of the BEST improvements.

My life, is just so overall better. All because of 50 lbs. What will it be like when I reach 100?

What is more, with my mental health improving just as much as my physical, suddenly I feel like I could handle going back to school. I initially left school because of my depression and anxiety. Now, I feel I could conquer anything! I could get my Associates in Accounting… HELL , maybe I should go all the way and get a Bachelors!

Novel set aside…

I am really happy… and I wouldn’t be here without Patrick… and while I am only halfway there, I know I will make it to the end. ❤