My Stretch Marks Are My Battle Scars

My Stretch Marks Are My Battle Scars

My stretch marks are numerous.

I remember the first time I noticed them, when I was around ten, and I had no idea what that little purple scar was or where it came from. By the time I was 18 I was so familiar with them that I didn’t even blink when a new one would appear. I watched my stomach and arms get painted by the wounds I inflicted with every binge fest I “enjoyed”.

There were times they bothered me, but I just told myself there was nothing I could do. I tried losing the weight, tried every diet under the sun. I faltered, I fell and I gave up.  At times I would promise myself the weight would be lost one day, another failing just meant I would try again another time. Other times I would cry out that it was impossible! There was no way I would lose the weight!

Pain followed those marring marks. Pain in my back, pain in my knees. An ache in an ankle I lied and attributed with bad shoes combined with past injury. Belly aches from the food my body didn’t want to process, migraines from the sugar addictions.

Exhaustion mingled with the pain… and the scars… and depression followed.

Don’t ask me how I woke up amidst what I thought was a losing war. Don’t try and find the key that finally lifted me high enough to rally my strength. I don’t know how I began to gain the ground back. I don’t know why this time it worked. It just did. I woke up. I gathered my strength. I fought and I fought hard. I cried from the pain, I stumbled and took hits, but I kept getting back up. I continue to get back up.

Perhaps it was my fellow warriors, fighting beside me against their own demons, that helped rally me. Or perhaps it was my armor, built up of my family, my support system. Maybe it was the long lost promises I had made to my child self.

I am fighting in a war against an image of myself I accepted long ago. Some battles I win, some battles I don’t, but I keep getting back up. The fat is losing. It melts off me as I work on making myself healthy instead of skinny. I am gaining ground. I will win.

And those stretch marks? Those horrifying, marring streaks across my skin? They are beautiful. As each one shrivels to a white lightning strike, I rejoice. These are my pride, my evidence of my labor.

My stretch marks are my battle scars and they are beautiful. 

 

31 Days ’till Onederland

31 Days ’till Onederland

But no pressure, Meredith.

I know I shouldn’t set such a strict goal so close, but back when I started I figured I could reach Onederland by New Years. Then, as my weight loss sped forward, I realized that by losing at least 2 lbs every week I would reach it by December 2nd. I have stuck to that pretty well, and I am on the right track for it.

A little summation of this weekend, I did AWFUL when it came to what I put in my body, but my defense is- well, it isn’t a defense… It was my birthday! On Friday we went out for it. I feel like I did relatively well for my birthday dinner… but then it was Saturday and there was a baby shower. No biggie, I will eat a salad right? Oh, the salad is either a chopped lettuce mixed with hundreds of pieces of corn or drenched in Parmesan and fatty dressing? Okay, I will eat a slice of pizza… Then,  Saturday evening, we go to a halloween party. My friend made me birthday cupcakes?? That is so sweet! I can’t not have one, right? And the only food is potato skins, bagel bites, chips, etc? I was starving, so of course I ate badly. Then Sunday rolls around, we go out and get chicken fajitas, I eat relatively well (if not a lot of sodium, but that isn’t horrible for you, just makes you retain water). When we get home the cravings for chocolate hit. Well, usually I wouldn’t have chocolate, but I have a surplus of caramel apples I made for the parties that no one took. Soooo, we each eat an apple.

Ohmahgawd I am amazing at making candy. Not to toot my own horn, but YUM.

Soooo… I will probably have gained a pound this week. BUT, I wont be upset about that, I lost 6 pounds last week and that is way too fast to lose 6 pounds. If I gain a pound I will know it is just temporary, that pound will go away. My body is readjusting, blah blah blah.

Back to the Onederland, even if I weigh 207 lbs by this Friday I will still be on track. The one big risk factor here is Thanksgiving. I have to make a battle plan for this holiday as it is (as most people know) one of the two hardest holidays to survive diet wise. I am supposed to weigh 201 lbs the next day and I don’t want to weigh anything else but those 201 lbs. As far as I know, that is 5 lbs away.

I could always weigh myself Thanksgiving morning and not on Friday, but there wont be accountability. I think I am going to plan on having my morning shake, no snacks (maybe carrots and celery?) and I might even be doing some cooking myself so that I can avoid the main temptations. Mine are the stuffing, the mashed potatoes and the green bean casserole.

Since we are 31 days away, I would like to challenge myself. Lets see if I can reach a 30 day streak of walking, blogging, etc.

OH! And my parents gifted me 6 months at the gym for my Birthday, so I need to begin going to the gym as well. I was thinking about starting that this week, but it looks like next week might be better.