Back And Better Than Ever

Back And Better Than Ever

Well, not ever. Because the truth is, I hit 94 lbs lost a little over a week ago, and then I let everything unravel for the last ten days and I have no idea how much I weigh now. It WAS 178. I was in the 70s!!

I needed a kick in the butt again. My best friend shook me yesterday when she told me “YOU are going to charge your fitbit and I am going to start running in the mornings. I don’t care if you don’t like the fitbit anymore. We are going to challenge each other and we are going to get healthy. This is happening. ”

…Okay.

She needs me chasing down her butt. The truth is, I need it too. See, I am struggling. I have reached a weight that I don’t absolutely hate. A weight I never dreamed I would be at… and I have become complacent in it.

I don’t love this body, I just don’t despise it. I can pull off some pretty cute outfits now. My pictures don’t make me balk… okay plenty still do, but I am getting there.

I just don’t have the same drive to lose the weight that I had at 272. Even with the wedding growing ever closer (AAAAAH).

SO, Andrea, I accept your challenge. Lets do this. I need to get back on track. I want to love my body on my wedding day. I want to love my face. So… lets do it girl.

My Stretch Marks Are My Battle Scars

My Stretch Marks Are My Battle Scars

My stretch marks are numerous.

I remember the first time I noticed them, when I was around ten, and I had no idea what that little purple scar was or where it came from. By the time I was 18 I was so familiar with them that I didn’t even blink when a new one would appear. I watched my stomach and arms get painted by the wounds I inflicted with every binge fest I “enjoyed”.

There were times they bothered me, but I just told myself there was nothing I could do. I tried losing the weight, tried every diet under the sun. I faltered, I fell and I gave up.  At times I would promise myself the weight would be lost one day, another failing just meant I would try again another time. Other times I would cry out that it was impossible! There was no way I would lose the weight!

Pain followed those marring marks. Pain in my back, pain in my knees. An ache in an ankle I lied and attributed with bad shoes combined with past injury. Belly aches from the food my body didn’t want to process, migraines from the sugar addictions.

Exhaustion mingled with the pain… and the scars… and depression followed.

Don’t ask me how I woke up amidst what I thought was a losing war. Don’t try and find the key that finally lifted me high enough to rally my strength. I don’t know how I began to gain the ground back. I don’t know why this time it worked. It just did. I woke up. I gathered my strength. I fought and I fought hard. I cried from the pain, I stumbled and took hits, but I kept getting back up. I continue to get back up.

Perhaps it was my fellow warriors, fighting beside me against their own demons, that helped rally me. Or perhaps it was my armor, built up of my family, my support system. Maybe it was the long lost promises I had made to my child self.

I am fighting in a war against an image of myself I accepted long ago. Some battles I win, some battles I don’t, but I keep getting back up. The fat is losing. It melts off me as I work on making myself healthy instead of skinny. I am gaining ground. I will win.

And those stretch marks? Those horrifying, marring streaks across my skin? They are beautiful. As each one shrivels to a white lightning strike, I rejoice. These are my pride, my evidence of my labor.

My stretch marks are my battle scars and they are beautiful. 

 

31 Days ’till Onederland

31 Days ’till Onederland

But no pressure, Meredith.

I know I shouldn’t set such a strict goal so close, but back when I started I figured I could reach Onederland by New Years. Then, as my weight loss sped forward, I realized that by losing at least 2 lbs every week I would reach it by December 2nd. I have stuck to that pretty well, and I am on the right track for it.

A little summation of this weekend, I did AWFUL when it came to what I put in my body, but my defense is- well, it isn’t a defense… It was my birthday! On Friday we went out for it. I feel like I did relatively well for my birthday dinner… but then it was Saturday and there was a baby shower. No biggie, I will eat a salad right? Oh, the salad is either a chopped lettuce mixed with hundreds of pieces of corn or drenched in Parmesan and fatty dressing? Okay, I will eat a slice of pizza… Then,  Saturday evening, we go to a halloween party. My friend made me birthday cupcakes?? That is so sweet! I can’t not have one, right? And the only food is potato skins, bagel bites, chips, etc? I was starving, so of course I ate badly. Then Sunday rolls around, we go out and get chicken fajitas, I eat relatively well (if not a lot of sodium, but that isn’t horrible for you, just makes you retain water). When we get home the cravings for chocolate hit. Well, usually I wouldn’t have chocolate, but I have a surplus of caramel apples I made for the parties that no one took. Soooo, we each eat an apple.

Ohmahgawd I am amazing at making candy. Not to toot my own horn, but YUM.

Soooo… I will probably have gained a pound this week. BUT, I wont be upset about that, I lost 6 pounds last week and that is way too fast to lose 6 pounds. If I gain a pound I will know it is just temporary, that pound will go away. My body is readjusting, blah blah blah.

Back to the Onederland, even if I weigh 207 lbs by this Friday I will still be on track. The one big risk factor here is Thanksgiving. I have to make a battle plan for this holiday as it is (as most people know) one of the two hardest holidays to survive diet wise. I am supposed to weigh 201 lbs the next day and I don’t want to weigh anything else but those 201 lbs. As far as I know, that is 5 lbs away.

I could always weigh myself Thanksgiving morning and not on Friday, but there wont be accountability. I think I am going to plan on having my morning shake, no snacks (maybe carrots and celery?) and I might even be doing some cooking myself so that I can avoid the main temptations. Mine are the stuffing, the mashed potatoes and the green bean casserole.

Since we are 31 days away, I would like to challenge myself. Lets see if I can reach a 30 day streak of walking, blogging, etc.

OH! And my parents gifted me 6 months at the gym for my Birthday, so I need to begin going to the gym as well. I was thinking about starting that this week, but it looks like next week might be better.

 

 

Much Better Updates

Much Better Updates

So last week my update was rather morose. I was having a pretty dark day, I was really depressed by the number on the scale (which shouldn’t matter, I know!). I just wasn’t seeing the scale move.

That night I decided I was going to double down this week. One, I was going to start jogging. I started that night. OMG it was horrible! BUT- I did it!! I decided that I was going to cut back on the tuna and crackers for lunch every day. It was in my calorie range and it is a relatively healthy protein (with a little bit of mayo), but I needed to switch it up for my body. I started having only salad for lunch and dinner. I made sure to still eat the same calorie range and I added a TON of veggies to my diet.

I also weighed myself every day, which honestly I enjoyed far more than waiting an entire week. It made me feel motivated and the scale was actually moving down!

Well, guess what? I lost SIX freaking pounds this week. So my weight stall is over I suppose! My jaw kind of dropped to the floor when I was able to log this weight in. And weighing myself everyday, I knew that it was not a flux of weight loss. I think that, honestly, I had hit some sort of bar. My body was saying “Hey..uhm…no, we don’t want to let go.” and when I doubled down it was like “F-I-I-Iiiine!” and let it go all at once!

In other news, I had to find a shirt for the baby shower tomorrow and I REALLY struggled. Like, I had a hard time finding ANYTHING that I liked. Why? Because I am suddenly in between. See, Avenue, Torrid, Lane Bryant, they are designed for bigger women. I am a bigger woman, right? At least I am “supposedly” in their size range, but nothing fits tight enough anymore. However, going to other stores, I am still too big for their stuff. So I am stuck inbetween.

I ended up getting a shirt and a sweater from Avenue. They aren’t tight, but I think they look nice. They will probably be too big by the time new years hits, but I will get over it.

It is a GOOD problem, I am well aware 🙂

 

OH, and tomorrow is my birthday! I am excited to say that we will be checking out our wedding venue tonight for my birthday dinner. It will definitely be fun.

Need Motivation

Need Motivation

Or Encouragement.

Or Support, really.

I haven’t lost anything this week. Not really. I can now round to 60 lbs gone, so I guess… there is that.

I am 13 lbs from Onederland. So I guess there is that too.

I weigh 212 lbs. And I should weigh less. Like, 2 lbs less.

I am so disappointed.

There is really not much more to say.

Measurements

Measurements

 

246 lbs (26 lbs Lost)

Chest: 52″

Waist: 47.5″

Right Arm: 15″

Left Arm: 15″

Right Thigh: 25″

Left Thigh: 24″

Neck: 16″

 

212.6 lbs (59.4 lbs lost) 

Chest: 47″ (- 5″)

Waist: 41.5″ (-6″)

Right Arm: 13.5″ (-1.5″)

Left Arm: 13″ (-2″)

Right Thigh: 21.5″ (-3.5″)

Left Thigh: 21″ (-3″)

Neck: 14″ (-2″)

Total Inches Lost (that we know of): 23″

Wow, I really didn’t think there would be such a difference all around. That is amazing!

I have also now lost around 22% of my original body weight.