My Stretch Marks Are My Battle Scars

My Stretch Marks Are My Battle Scars

My stretch marks are numerous.

I remember the first time I noticed them, when I was around ten, and I had no idea what that little purple scar was or where it came from. By the time I was 18 I was so familiar with them that I didn’t even blink when a new one would appear. I watched my stomach and arms get painted by the wounds I inflicted with every binge fest I “enjoyed”.

There were times they bothered me, but I just told myself there was nothing I could do. I tried losing the weight, tried every diet under the sun. I faltered, I fell and I gave up.  At times I would promise myself the weight would be lost one day, another failing just meant I would try again another time. Other times I would cry out that it was impossible! There was no way I would lose the weight!

Pain followed those marring marks. Pain in my back, pain in my knees. An ache in an ankle I lied and attributed with bad shoes combined with past injury. Belly aches from the food my body didn’t want to process, migraines from the sugar addictions.

Exhaustion mingled with the pain… and the scars… and depression followed.

Don’t ask me how I woke up amidst what I thought was a losing war. Don’t try and find the key that finally lifted me high enough to rally my strength. I don’t know how I began to gain the ground back. I don’t know why this time it worked. It just did. I woke up. I gathered my strength. I fought and I fought hard. I cried from the pain, I stumbled and took hits, but I kept getting back up. I continue to get back up.

Perhaps it was my fellow warriors, fighting beside me against their own demons, that helped rally me. Or perhaps it was my armor, built up of my family, my support system. Maybe it was the long lost promises I had made to my child self.

I am fighting in a war against an image of myself I accepted long ago. Some battles I win, some battles I don’t, but I keep getting back up. The fat is losing. It melts off me as I work on making myself healthy instead of skinny. I am gaining ground. I will win.

And those stretch marks? Those horrifying, marring streaks across my skin? They are beautiful. As each one shrivels to a white lightning strike, I rejoice. These are my pride, my evidence of my labor.

My stretch marks are my battle scars and they are beautiful. 


Forty Pounds Lost

Forty Pounds Lost

***First of all, I want to thank every person who has ever ‘liked’ any of my posts. Each like has been encouragement to continue on with my transformation into a healthy, happy woman. So thank you. ***

I have lost 40 lbs in a little under 13 weeks and I feel amazing. When I look in the mirror, I no longer flinch at the body I have. I instead envision the body I am sculpting. When I step on that scale, I no longer fear the number. That number is so meaningless these days! Whether it shrinks or stays steady, I am defeating it!

Scale, you can be a sneaky bitch sometimes, you know that? You have so many of us convinced that your number is of the upmost importance…but guess what? I know better. I know that some weeks your number might not move as much as I want, while others it will plummet. As I build muscle, you try to trick me, but it wont work.

I now weigh 232 lbs. 13 weeks ago I would have told you that I would never make it here, and if I did, I would quit by that time. I look back on my first post here on this blog and I see a desperate, depressed woman with little to no hope.

I know that I still have a long way to go. I have 60 pounds to lose to get to my first goal. I have 33 pounds to reach Onederland. There will still be struggles in my future, but I have lost 40 lbs and hell, I am going to celebrate.

My back feels straighter, my body lighter. I wake up in the morning smiling. Each day I get more compliments from the people surrounding me. I feel their support and their love and it makes me want to jump up and down.

What surprises me the most is how I have come from the mentality of “I need to start a diet.” to “I need to start a healthy lifestyle.” . Cheat days? You no longer exist. What would I be cheating on? I make good choices. I have found that I actually LIKE healthy food. Cooking meals that are not only healthy but filling and delicious is something I look forward to now. I don’t want the chips or the fries or the chocolate anymore. I want to eat light enough that I will feel good when I take my 5 mile walk in the evening.

Jeez, who the hell am I ? I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I am so happy! SO happy that I want to cry.

I know it is only three months in, but I don’t think there will be any going back this time. This has to be the first time I have decided to make a change, and I can actually see myself achieving my goals. I am not going to quit. I feel amazing.

Workout as a Weakling

Workout as a Weakling

There is nothing like working out in front of someone for the first time, to make you feel completely self-conscious.

After a week of separation (as it typically goes these days, *sigh* life) I honestly thought I might smother Patrick with my hugs. No man has truly made me feel so loved, so beautiful and so appreciated. I also feel extremely comfortable around him and yet… I waited until he was off showering to start my strength exercises. The thought of him watching me struggle embarrassed me.

I never really explained my work-out routine. I picked a fairly easy one after watching several videos on youtube. I settled on one basically titled ‘Strength Training for Plus Size beginners’ and since I am so weak, it is definitely difficult.

It starts with 30 seconds of planking (elbows and forearms flat on the mat, body held straight, tiptoes pressed to mat, butt down) . Followed by 30 seconds rest. Followed by 30 seconds of push-ups against a bench or stairs, followed by 30 seconds of rest. Ending with 30 seconds of stepping up a two step height on your right foot, and then 30 seconds of stepping up on your left foot. You do all of this three times. Then I have been lifting my 5-pound dumbells about 20 times, an exercise I found online.

I use a step stool for my step-ups. It is 12″ high (about the height of two steps), anti-slip and can hold up to 300 pounds. It is perfect. I think I want to extend how long I do each foot , however, because it is rather easy. I can only assume this is because I have been walking up 1000 step hills at a rapid pace every day, multiple times, for 10 weeks.

My push-ups are something I struggle with. I cant do them against my bench, on the floor, against my tv-stand and I felt ridiculous trying them against the wall. I really have been trying, but I know I have been failing.

Last night, Patrick got out of the shower around the time I was finishing the last of my steps. He cheered me on as I lifted my dumbells (which made me feel both happy and slightly embarrassed). When I finished, out-of breath but proud, I admitted to him my issue with push-ups. He asked to see.

That was how he introduced me to knee-push ups.

Oh my god, why can’t I even do these? I am so weeeeaaak. He coached me through the movements, corrected my stance… but even then I struggled. HOWEVER, these seem more feasible than any of the other attempts. So they are going to replace the push-ups I was trying to do.

I am surprisingly not sore today. I have been moving around plenty and haven’t felt a single protest from my muscles… we will see how tomorrow is though, haha!

I am proud of myself though. I have to recognize that I had NEVER done anything like this to my body, so of course I am going to struggle with the very basics right now. Actually, you know, thinking about it, I really want to do some Strength Training goals. If anyone is reading out there, can you tell me if you think these are realistic?

By New Years I want to be able to do:

  • 5 real push-ups in a row (Not knees, walls, etc.)
  • 30 minutes of strength training
  • Use 8 pound dumbbells instead of 5
  • Plank for 1 full minute without pause

If I get to any of them before New Years, I of course would adjust!


Weekly Update (This is the 10th!)

Weekly Update (This is the 10th!)

So , ten weeks in. How do I feel?


Jeebus , guys, I am so sore. My arms are sore, my legs are sore, my tummy is sore. Last night at the end of my walk I collapsed in my bed. I know you aren’t supposed to push that hard, but in my defense, all I did was WALK yesterday! I have added strength training into my weekly routine (3 times a week, every other day), and it is killing me. I am such a weakling! Haha!

This week I weighed in at 239.8…so we will round up to 240, unfortunately :)! I have lost 2 pounds this week. This is amazing! I lost four pounds last week AND I started strength training. I was worried I wouldn’t lose ANY, or that I would lose, but then gain a bit from the muscle. It is still a possibility, but everyone insists I stick to planking, push-ups, dumbells and the like. Apparently muscle helps your metabolism, plus I don’t want to lose this weight just to be flabby!

Sooo, I did my full measurements this time:

Chest: 51″ (-1″)

Waist: 46″ (-1.5″)

Right Arm: 15″

Left Arm: 15″

Right Thigh: 25″

Left Thigh: 24″

Neck: 16″

Ring Finger (hehe): 6.5 cent.

I really wish I had done this before, but this will have to do. I have lost 2.5″ that I know of (and I know I have lost much more than that, but I didn’t measure myself 10 weeks ago) .

Why measure my ring size? Well, I know for a fact that when I started this diet I was a size 9 (a snug 9). How did I know this? Well, everytime I walked past the jewelry section at the store I would try on rings. Not because I am crazy, haha, I just have a ring I need resized! It was my great grandmother’s and she had teeny hands (think size 4 or 5). If I am right, I have gone down a size. I need to check it at a store though.

Anyways, those are the main weekly updates. I am going to make another post to talk about me, because, you know… I am obsessive!

*Would anyone be interested in me posting my progress pictures? I feel hesitant because I don’t see that great of a difference, but I also know that a lot of people DO post them. I wonder if I should just block my face out at first…. Please let me know if you think I should.

Weekly Updates

Weekly Updates

Well, I seem to have fixed the issue with my blog not being on the front page. I like this much better, this is not a website or anything, this is my online journal really.

So a lot has happened this week, my mid-week update pretty much vomited all of that out.

So, amazing news! I weighed in at 242 lbs this morning. That is 4 pounds lost this week.  I have officially lost 30 pounds in 9 weeks, that is a little over 3 pounds a week. Super exciting!

Other changes I have noticed? I don’t go wanting when it comes to food. I have developed habits that make it easy for me to resist cheating when I am going out to eat. I look forward to my walks and get grumpy when I can’t take them. I feel better during the day and more energized when I have to go out and accomplish tasks. Not to mention my health issues I used to have with my diet have all disappeared (I am not feeling sick anymore after I eat).  I guess I am actually living a healthy lifestyle and…well, enjoying it!

There are times where I want to slip. When I don’t feel good or when it is so hot outside I could melt. But there are other times like this weekend when I tore through every piece of clothing and threw away anything size 3 (Torrid) and 18/20 (shirts and jeans) that are not work out clothing. Times where I feel liberated, excited, flushed with delight from my progress! These are the times that carry through to when I want to cheat or stay inside.

On another positive note, my exercise mat came in. I am going to start trying to do some strength training now. Maybe once to twice a week, I am not sure. I know I am extremely weak and so I am just going to see how it goes.

I forgot to post the recipe I made last Friday. I LOVED it. It was a lemon shrimp on spaghetti squash noodles. It was delicious, veeerrry citrusy.  Patrick did not like it, so I have discovered yet another thing he doesn’t like. Lemon. The recipe I made the Friday before it was the opposite, so I wont be posting that one, hehe.

I also really wanted to share where a lot of my inspiration comes from: Progress Pics . It is a subforum (subreddit) on reddit. People post only their progress. A search in the tool bar (select ‘search only in Progress Pics’ ) allows you to find people your height and gender that have hit your goals. It is amazing! I suggest anyone looking for further inspiration check it out if they haven’t already.